That’ll be 3′6" x 145cm

A guy walks into a butcher’s shop, “A pound of pork sausages please.” The Butcher says, “We’re only allowed to sell kilos these days.” The man replies, “Well, give me a pound of kilos then!”

So, I went to the shop the other morning. Cathy said, “Will you get some milk please, you know, one of those long thin pints.” “Do you mean a litre?” I asked…

Arbeit macht frei

I’m sitting at my desk watching an act of teamicide being committed. I’m powerless to help the hapless victims of this heinous crime. There’s a bunch of blokes wandering around the office putting up motivational accessories such as six foot poster asking , “HAVE YOU GOT THE VIBE?” for fucks sake!

I find it rather bizarre and strangely absorbing to watch an organisation dragging itself, kicking and screaming, into the early 1970s.

Update: VIBE is apparently an acronym of Values Inspired By Excellence!

Robust shoutyness

There’s a large shouty man walking around the office being annoyingly loud. Talking in that infuriating, clipped, mock upper class English kind of a way common to black and white war movies, real ale drinkers and nerds. You know the ones, “Jolly Good”, “How the devil are you old chap?”, “I’m fine, it’s the others!”

Someone is going to have to tell him to take his mobile phone outside and shut the fuck up!

It works by electricity you stupid twat, you don’t need to shout down it like it’s a hollow tube ferfekssake!

Maybe I should do it!

I can be diplomatic!

Can’t I?

Knobhead!

Ve ask ze qvestions

So, Condoleezza Rice denies reports that the US uses the practice of rendition to torture terrorist suspects or deliver them to countries where torture is routine. She wouldn’t be saying that if she was tied to a metal chair with her feet in a bucket of water and a set of jump leads attached to her nipples.